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Fun Stuff
If you've reached this point on the web site, you've probably already visited the leaders page. If you've done that, then you know for a fact that while we take our trips very seriously, we don't take ourselves too seriously.

We view pelagic trips, pelagic birding, pictures of pelagic birds, etc. as about as much fun as you can have with our clothes on. This page was created to share some of that enjoyment with you. It contains anything that we happen to write, come across, or receive that I judge to be fun. This might include articles, e-mails, writeups, photos, cartoons, limericks, haikus (OK ... nobody REALLY likes haikus), or whatever else might give us a laugh.

Note that while all material in this section is no worse than PG-13, some of you of more tender sensibilities may wish to read with caution. I hope you enjoy it!

Paul's Infamous Pelagic Leader Hat

The Setup: I've been a rabid South Park fan since the I first saw it in 1997 (the volcano / Scuzzlebutt episode, for those of you who are "in the know". One day while Anita and I were browsing in some store, I stumbled upon the ultimate pelagic leader hat. The price was about 20 bucks, which is pretty high for a baseball cap, but Anita (sweet thing that she is) convinced me that I simply must have it, whatever the cost. It has become my constant pelagic companion, and the only time I don't wear it on trips is when I need something warmer on my head. (If only I could find the same design on a fleece cap!)
SouthParkHat

As you can see, it's getting a bit worse for wear, but here's a picture of me wearing my favorite pelagic hat while involved in one (actually two since I'm on a pelagic trip) of my favorite activities (thanks George!):

2004 E-mail to Mark Hoffman About the White-faced Storm-Petrel


The Setup: Mark Hoffman (one of our leaders) and Jim Stasz (another Maryland list fanatic) are running neck and neck on their Maryland state lists. White-faced Storm-Petrel happened to be a bird that Mark had for Maryland, but Jim did not. Mark also happened to be in England when this trip sailed. The following was an e-mail that Paul sent to mark after the trip.

Mark-

As you may have already heard, Jim Stasz saw the White-faced Storm-Petrel on Saturday's trip. My deepest apologies. I attempted to position myself near Jim when nobody was looking, but between having a full boat, everybody outside, and Jim's caution because he somehow found out about the contract you put on his life in case he got a bird that put him ahead of you, I just couldn't get the opportunity to nudge him overboard.

Perhaps on one of the upcoming trips you can rectify the situation. Look for a large fillet knife conveniently left near the chum. BTW, if you report Jim missing while we're still out in the deep, we should get more birding time for free. After all, we'd have to use our binoculars to search for the body, right?

Hope you're having a good time in England!

-Paul

The LAST Puffin Submitted to the New Jersey Bird Records Committee


The Setup: For years, I had been lobbying the the New Jersey Bird Records Committee (NJBRC) to remove Atlantic Puffin from the list of review species. (For those of you who don't know, a review species is one that should be documented, through writing, photos, video, etc., to the state's records committee.) FINALLY, the members of NJBRC agreed, which meant that I no longer needed to document yet another Puffin sighting.

The year of the vote was 2001, so when we found yet another Atlantic Puffin in December of 2001, I assumed I was off the hook. Then, I received an ominous e-mail from Laurie Larson, secretary of NJBRC. She informed that Paul Lehman pointed out to her that the removal of Puffin as a review species was not effective until January 1, 2002, and since this record was still for 2001, it really should be documented. (IMPORTANT NOTE: I blame Laurie not one smidgeon for this. I blame Paul Lehman completely, entirely, and 100%.)

Soooooo, I wrote up full documentation for the last Atlantic Puffin to be submitted to NJBRC. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it. And if any of you are wondering, yes, the record was accepted.

SIGHT RECORD REPORT FORM
New Jersey Bird Records Committee

Species: Atlantic Puffin

Scientific name: Fratercula arctica (or Fratercula offthefreakinglista, depending on whose taxonomy you use)

Number of birds: 1

Sex (if known): unknown (either that or trysexual, i.e. will try anything)

Age/plumage (if known): winter adult (NOTE: due to possibility it was female, I knew better than to ask its age)

Place, including nearest town, and county:
Seen on a pelagic trip aboard the Atlantis, sailing out of Manasquan, NJ. The coordinates of the sighting are:
39° 57.546' - 73° 18.888'
IMPORTANT NOTE: Show this to Brian Moscatello last. If the paper moves too much, he may throw up on it.

Date(s) & time(s) of your observations: 12/01/2001 at about 3:00 PM

First and last dates bird was present, if known: unknown (though I'm sure it has moved some)

Date of completing this form: 12/05/2001 (and under extreme duress)

Observer making this report: Paul A. Guris (The same guy who made so many of those other freakin' Puffin reports!)

Other observers (if possible, each should submit this form): Scott Barnes ... if he says "no", he's a liar. Actually, few experienced observers saw it. You probably needed to be on the upper deck (easy, Brian) to have seen it.

Who first identified it? Paul Guris (a.k.a. King Puffin)

Optical equipment used:
Nikon 8x42 Venturer binoculars (WARNING: SHAMELESS PLUS FOR MY WSB SPONSOR! "Simply the best birding glass in existence.")

Distance from bird: approximately 200-250 yards

Weather and light conditions:
We had a home, where the Puffilos roamed, and the skies were partly cloudy all day. Seas were 3'-4' (easy, Brian). Lighting was generally good, though at one point the harsh light showed some of showed some of the bird's cellulite. Damn those fluorescents! (Hmmm. Maybe it WAS female.)

Was the bird photographed?
No (It said it was fat, and holding water. Sounds more like a female all the time.)

Was the bird videotaped or recorded?
No (It said something about knowing where bodies were dumped at sea, and being in the witness protection program. I elected not to pursue the subject.)

Indicate your prior experience with this and similar species:
Come on! I see the damn thing almost annually, and you know they're out there every year! I've seen them before, people on the committee have seen me seeing them, and I've seen them seeing me see them, you see then?

What books, illustrations, and advice did you consult? When?
None. Nuff said.

Was this report written from notes made during, or after, the observation?
This is coming straight from my pointed little head. I took no notes because I thought I was off the Puffin hook. Unfortunately, a huge, seething ball of evil incarnate who's name I won't mention (but his initials are Paul Lehman) has decided to slip the puffin up my alcid one last time ... but I'm not bitter.

Description: Include information on the bird's plumage, shape and size, vocalizations, habitat, behavior, etc. Describe what you actually saw. Sketches are helpful. (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THE REPORT; RECORDS WITHOUT DETAILS WILL NOT BE VOTED.)

• Small, mostly dark bird sitting on the water. (grrr)
• Overall color was very dark gray to black. (grrr)
• No white was visible at the bird's waterline (grrr), except at the chest.
• Chest paler, though not bright white (grr), with a distinct very broad and dark breast band (grrr) going completely across the chest and all the way up to under the chin.
• The neck was shaped almost like a tapered cone. This is a unique appearance that I've seen on Puffins before. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. (grrr)
• The dark/black from the back went completely up the nape (grrr) and onto the cap (grrr), but stayed well above the eye (grrr).
• Face was pale gray (grrr) and due to the shape and position of the dark/black on the neck, cap, and breast band, the side of the pale area of   the face was shaped like an oval. (grrr)
• The bill was large (grrr), fully half the height of the head (grrr), and had some pale coloration near the base (grrr).
• GRRRRRRRR! (grrr)

Name the species you consider ID contenders; explain how you eliminated each. If there is not complete agreement on this ID, state who disagrees and why.
The other possibilities are other alcids or scoters. They were eliminated because it wasn't any of them. It was a freaking Puffin.

OK, other alcids were knocked out due to the lack of white showing at the waterline, there was no white showing in the wing, it had a broad, complete breastband, and because the bill was freaking huge for anything but, "Survey says!", a Puffin.

Scoters are knocked out because the enormous breast band and large bill would only be found on, "Survey says!", a Puffin. Oh, yeah. And it wasn't a duck.

Sign and date the form: Paul "MrLehmanifyouevermakemedothisagainIwillhuntyoudowneviscerateyouandturnyourgutsintosuspenders" Guris